Noel

Tomorrow is my birthday.  I will be 21 years old.
Yesterday I found out that one of my best childhood friends died, in his sleep, without warning.  He just... died.  He was only 20.
I do not understand why he had to die, I don't understand why tomorrow I will be allowed to be 21 and he is not.  I don't understand why his whole life was condensed into a few years.  I've known him my whole life, since I was four.  We grew up together, played together, our families did everything together.  And now we're left with this gaping hole where there was supposed to be life, and what does anyone do with a hole?  It's not the kind you can fill, it's a bottomless one that gapes and yawns and never closes up.  It's an eternal hole, and those aren't the good kind.  They're the kind of holes that hurt really bad.  What about his family?  What about Grant ad Kris and Karen...?  What about the life he was going to have?  What about the life he DID have?

I keep getting random flashes of memory of Noel.  Not big memories, just snapshots.
One time our moms were helping out at a community service center in town and Grant, Noel, River, and I were confined to the daycare center to stay out of trouble.  Noel and I were maybe five or six.  Noel was excitedly telling me about his "initials", and I was proudly informed that they were "N.O."  Having absolutely no idea what initials were, I told Noel that my initials were N.O.  too.  He looked at me amazed.  "Really??"  he exclaimed.

Another time the Ordelheides were over at my house.  This was a common occurrence, especially since it was summertime and we'd often drop by each other's houses unannounced.  We were playing in the backyard, which Grant and Noel always told me looked like a park because it was big and equipped with a treehouse, playhouses, a hill, and lots of swings.  It was starting to get dark and there was an eerie green light coming from a window in the house over the fence from us.  Noel was convinced it was a witch's house and that she was probably concocting some brew in there.
"I am NEVER coming to your house again at night!"  He told me.

These memories are little, but they're mine, and they make up my childhood.  There are countless more memories... of beanie baby fights, playing monopoly, hide and go seek tag in the dark, going on hikes and trips and eating popcorn on Saturday nights, watching "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure", the one time I forgot to lock the door when I was going to bathroom and Noel and Grant walked in me and laughed and laughed.  All the birthday parties.  The time when we were sleeping over at their house and I had long johns on that were made for boys and Noel laughed and laughed at me, so I stole his favorite stuffed animal and thought maybe I could keep it.

Ah.  Why.  

In a little while you'll wake up, wonder why your night's sleep was so long.  Wonder what happened.  And we'll tell you, and you won't be able to believe it, but by then it won't matter because we'll be going to somewhere much better...

Death can't keep you, Noel, it doesn't have to power to have you.  It's only a matter of time before you are ours again, before you are safe and healthy and here.