Square 1

I am so tired and really need some sleep, but I feel like I have all these wayward thoughts inside me that need to be put into words, and rest won't come till I do.

The Philippines were so....simple.  People don't worry about the stuff we worry about.  People take life in stride, they can do nothing all day and be perfectly content.

Sometimes, when I was feeling frustrated or sad or just needed to get away I would go to this rice field about a 10 minute bike ride from our place.  As soon as I would cross the brook and turn the corner into the paddies, I would get this feeling of calm and serenity.  It was always so pleasantly quiet there...I mean, there were still the normal noises-birds chirping, the slicing of the sickle through the stalks-but they were good noises, peaceful noises, natural noises.

The thing about this rice field is that it takes you by surprise.  There are hundreds of rice fields around, but from this one you can see the mountains and the ocean, and there is a little river running through it to water the rice.  There are these beautiful purple water lilies and lots of placid caribou nearby; they always looked at me curiously when I push my bike through their mudflat.

I would ride my bike as far as the little bridge that crossed over the river.  There I would hop off and stick my feet in the water and just sit and think and pray and whatever.  The sun always shone and it was SO hot but so nice and so...serene like you wouldn't believe.

Ah, I miss it so much.
One time I asked Zernan if he wanted to get up early with me the next morning and go see the sunrise from my field.  He gamely agreed, since he doesn't sleep much anyway.  So in the gray of the dawn the next morning we traipsed over there and sat by the brook.  The sun came up and we talked about life and all the things we were gonna do and wanted to do but in that moment those things didn't really matter, just the sun mattered and the field mattered and our cool feet mattered.

We have all these dreams, all these things we're gonna do in our lives.  All these plans we think are gonna happen, all these great romances and loves we think we're gonna have.
The fairy-tale thing really doesn't work out much, does it?  It's funny how we're hard-wired to want perfection.  Or actually, maybe it's not funny at all.

When I was an SM (wow, is it already over?) I wanted to be GOOD.  I tried so hard to be good.  And I felt like, somehow, I achieved some sort of goodness while I was there.  Some sort of kindness and and courage and confidence and lovingness.  I had hoped it would stick around when I got back home, but it didn't really...I mean, maybe it's still there but it's gotten covered up by my resentments and worries.  Guess I'm a work in progress.

But, for now, I guess I will try to be like my dog and be happy with the life I've been given.  Today Gracie was ecstatic even though all I'd given her was a marshmallow.

These days I mostly just wish I were traveling, I wish I were going on adventure after adventure all over the world.  But that's just me trying to run away from my insecurities and false hopes and disappointments and who knows what else, and I already did that.  It's time to bite the bullet and finish my game, it's time to start being the person who I was there.  A leader, a friend, a carefree girl.

Cliff and I promoting love

My Rice Field

Maybe it's time for a new start, out with the old, square one.  People always say "we're back to square one" like it's a bad thing, but who says it has to be that way?

Bloomsday

The thing about time is that it goes by,

And lately it has felt like my life has been going by at this alarming rate--like, where did the last three days go?  They just sped by so fast I didn't have time to think about them.  

Home.  Home from the Philippines.  Home from the tropics, home to icy cold Spokane, home to my family and my pets and my friends and my places...

and I'm startled to find out that, on the outside at least, that I am still basically the same person I was before I left.  I am a bit more serious, maybe--a bit more melancholy, more mature, more aware...more wary, more worried...more alive, more smiley...just more of stuff. 

I landed in Spokane on Bloomsday, which I thought was appropriate.  I may have missed the actual Bloomsday race, but I am finishing a race, too, just a longer and different one.

There were hills and ups and downs and sunny spots and cold spots and I was always out of breath

but the exercise was so good for me...and as I fell over the finish line, I thought...wasn't this supposed to be more graceful?  A more prepared finish?  But I like it like this better.  

I kept thinking that being home would feel so weird and different and reverse-culture-shock-y, but honestly, I feel very normal...I keep having to think back to my 8-month life in the Philippines and remind myself that it was REAL, it wasn't just a dream.  All the happinesses and hurts were real.  

I could describe my last two weeks in the Philippines, but there is too much to write, too many emotions to express, too many people I dearly love and miss and also things that I was glad to leave.  

Someday, I hope these two lives can merge...will I see them again?  Will I hear their voices?  Or will I just be caught again in my grind, my place, my home...is it really so bad to be caught in it?  

Two homes, one life.  

May 1st, 2011 On my flight home from Seattle to Spokane.  

And now it's as if I am in "between" land, in the quiet between chapters of my life.  

I'm scared, I'm nervous, I miss the Phils, and I can't stop smiling.  

Contrast?  Maybe.  

Here on my flight to Spokane from Seattle--

I'm home!  And yet I am am in a dream, missing my old life...

Lord, save us, help me..

Ah!  Descending, and my heart is racing-

My last few moments of me, independence, peace

My time in the sky is over; no more bird's eye view.

Time to enter the fray, to touch down..

Ready, Rainey?  

Ready for the world?

Flying low, flying lower, 

Hello Spokane!

And...

Touch

YAWN

Laundry and bathing at Adams

Zernan taking a dip

friends

I keep yawning, and I know I should sleep, but I am too tired to get ready for bed!
We had a spiritual retreat this weekend in the mountain province of Adams.  It was so fun, being there with all our Filipino friends cooking and sleeping and worshipping, but now I am worn out!
We hiked to some great falls that had a 25-ft cliff, and so of course I had to jump since the others were.  The free fall was so long that I couldn't help but scream the whole way down and when I landed with a plunk in the water my legs and feet got all tired and tingly from the adrenaline rush.  But I'm glad I did it!
Later Cliff and I went on a walk and found pineapple shrubs and cacao trees and kept trying to get the ripe cacao fruits down until finally the owner came out and gave us some.
I didn't sleep well that night; for some reason I have never been able to sleep very well in something that's not my own bed. So I got up early and Zernan and I walked up to a lookout to see Adams from a new point of view.  It was nice, but Zernan walks fast!  And that's saying something, because I've got long legs.  I almost had to run to keep up with him!
I like these people, I like my friends here.  I can't believe it's only 3 weeks till I am home.  And those 3 weeks will be busy, and there won't be enough time.

But for now, it's time to rest.  Cause really, I think we all do too much sleeping but not quite enough resting.

Okay Lang (Just Okay

Cliff with his cousins Kheriza and Jetta

I feel old this week.
 Not because my age is old, or that my bones feel old, I just feel old like I am weary.  Like I have seen too much, learned too much, watched too much.
One of my closest friends here, Cliff, came up to me the other night and told me his mom had breast cancer.
"What?" I said,  "Cliff, oh no.  I am so sorry."
And then four days later, she died.
And so as soon as we found out we got a bus to Goa-oa (pronounced Gawa), where the family lives.  She had only been dead for a few hours and as soon as Cliff saw us he burst into tears.
He sat with us, silent sometimes, making jokes, talking about his mom, talking about what happened.
"It was like there was this beautiful picture she wanted," Cliff said, referring to his mother's life.  "She wanted it to be beautiful, but it's like someone just came and set it all on fire."
Cliff's Auntie and Uncle came in and just started weeping and weeping.  We walked into the room to see Chita (his mom) before she was taken to be embalmed.  She looked just asleep, only very still--so still.

So for the next week or so, we'll go to his house in the evenings and sit with him and laugh and cry and have a service for his mother, cause that was her wish.  And Cliff will be ok, I think, but I just wish I could do something to help--but what is there to do?  I'll just be his friend and we'll still draw funny pictures for each other and laugh about the time we boiled pandan leaves just to see what they smelled like and maybe go to the beach, and share books and whatever it is that all the other friends in the world do.  It will be Okay-lang

let me fix that for you.

Today was a fun but long day; Heather's birthday, so Dr. and Mrs.  Mitz took us out to eat in Laoag and then we cooked in the afternoon and made a big lasagna meal, cake, the works.
It was delicious, but we were so tired and full afterwards that Katelyn, Cliff, Heather, Emily, and I went down to the beach and plopped ourselves there.  I wanted to take pictures of the moon reflecting off the ocean (having finally figured out that I can change the shutter speed on the my camera) and everyone else was bored anyway, so off we went to the beach.
It was beautiful at the beach; but my camera didn't work very well so finally I told Cliff, "Let's do cartwheels in the sand!"  So we did.  You know how sometimes you feel like you could just run and run, you have so much energy?  That's how I felt, like I could go on flipping cartwheels forever.

Later we all laid down and looked at the stars.  Orion is my favorite constellation; I always feel a certain peace when I look up at it--like it's the one thing that is constant, the thing I know I can count on, the thing that won't change.  While we were lying there, looking up at the silhouetted palm trees and bright moon, I suddenly got this pang of missing, or a sense how much I was going to miss this place when I leave.  It's an emotion that comes and goes very quickly, because sometimes I can't wait to get out of here and sometimes I can't stand the thought of leaving.  What do you do, when you want to be two places at once?

Earlier this week I was working in the clinic with Tita Mildred, who is a nurse and one of my favorite people I have met here.  I had just come from doing an EKG with Mrs. Mitz, and was all excited cause it was really cool and was fun to do.
"Maybe I want to be a cardiologist!"  I told Mildred excitedly.
"Why maybe?"  She asked in her clipped accent.  "Not maybe.  You WILL.  Then you can fix my heart.  You will take it out, and fix it, and put it back together, and then put it back in."
I laughed.  I don't think Mildred has any heart problems.  The only thing she's been worrying about lately is how dark her face is getting (which doesn't make any sense, because she is supposed to have dark skin.  She's Filipino, for crying out loud) because her 4-year-old granddaughter told her that her face looked ugly, so now she's slathering on SPF 50 every day and always looks a little bit ghostly from having so much sunscreen on. But, I promised her that I would fix her heart even so.

Anyway.  It got me thinking about hearts and putting them back together and how important the whole deal is.  Somehow my heart has gotten entwined in this place, sometimes tightly enough that it hurts to think about leaving, or to think about staying.  I'm not really sure.  There's so much more I WISH I could do here, I just don't want to let a moment get away.

Noel

Tomorrow is my birthday.  I will be 21 years old.
Yesterday I found out that one of my best childhood friends died, in his sleep, without warning.  He just... died.  He was only 20.
I do not understand why he had to die, I don't understand why tomorrow I will be allowed to be 21 and he is not.  I don't understand why his whole life was condensed into a few years.  I've known him my whole life, since I was four.  We grew up together, played together, our families did everything together.  And now we're left with this gaping hole where there was supposed to be life, and what does anyone do with a hole?  It's not the kind you can fill, it's a bottomless one that gapes and yawns and never closes up.  It's an eternal hole, and those aren't the good kind.  They're the kind of holes that hurt really bad.  What about his family?  What about Grant ad Kris and Karen...?  What about the life he was going to have?  What about the life he DID have?

I keep getting random flashes of memory of Noel.  Not big memories, just snapshots.
One time our moms were helping out at a community service center in town and Grant, Noel, River, and I were confined to the daycare center to stay out of trouble.  Noel and I were maybe five or six.  Noel was excitedly telling me about his "initials", and I was proudly informed that they were "N.O."  Having absolutely no idea what initials were, I told Noel that my initials were N.O.  too.  He looked at me amazed.  "Really??"  he exclaimed.

Another time the Ordelheides were over at my house.  This was a common occurrence, especially since it was summertime and we'd often drop by each other's houses unannounced.  We were playing in the backyard, which Grant and Noel always told me looked like a park because it was big and equipped with a treehouse, playhouses, a hill, and lots of swings.  It was starting to get dark and there was an eerie green light coming from a window in the house over the fence from us.  Noel was convinced it was a witch's house and that she was probably concocting some brew in there.
"I am NEVER coming to your house again at night!"  He told me.

These memories are little, but they're mine, and they make up my childhood.  There are countless more memories... of beanie baby fights, playing monopoly, hide and go seek tag in the dark, going on hikes and trips and eating popcorn on Saturday nights, watching "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure", the one time I forgot to lock the door when I was going to bathroom and Noel and Grant walked in me and laughed and laughed.  All the birthday parties.  The time when we were sleeping over at their house and I had long johns on that were made for boys and Noel laughed and laughed at me, so I stole his favorite stuffed animal and thought maybe I could keep it.

Ah.  Why.  

In a little while you'll wake up, wonder why your night's sleep was so long.  Wonder what happened.  And we'll tell you, and you won't be able to believe it, but by then it won't matter because we'll be going to somewhere much better...

Death can't keep you, Noel, it doesn't have to power to have you.  It's only a matter of time before you are ours again, before you are safe and healthy and here.

Dancing Fingers

They say what goes up,
Must come down,
But don't let me fall.
I don't really know why I'm here,
I guess I'm just here for the ride
I swear, it feels like I'm dreaming
It's vividly defined

So call me whatever you like
Tie me to whatever you like
But don't let me fall.
-B.o.B  Don't Let Me Fall


I went to Thelma's yesterday, to do therapy on her arm and hand.  I enjoy doing it, and I think I will enjoy being an occupational therapist.  Her fingers are so tight; they grip without trying to, grab onto your finger like a baby's reflex would.  It takes all my strength to bend her arm out straight.  It's so odd, forcing the body to do what it was originally supposed to...trying to coerce the muscles and joints into moving again; doing what they are supposed to do.

Thelma is almost apologetic about the whole thing.  She's a single lady in her forties.  You can tell she had different plans for how her life was supposed to go, but these things happen.  When I was there yesterday, she was sitting under the open-air hut near her house, talking with her other relatives who were preparing pancit and vegetables and  cooking seafood over their little ceramic coal fire.  Yeng, a friend or relative of Thelma, invited me into her house next door for snacks.  It was tapioca porridge and coke, and as soon as I finished my bowl she ordered me to eat more.  She asked me why we don't eat pork, and wanted to know where in the Bible it was, so I promised I would bring my Bible next time.

Today after going to Thelma's again (Yeng wasn't there) I went to Central Elementary School to see Auntie Minnie, a church member and friend.  She is a second grade teacher there and has more than forty students in her classroom.  She is tired.  She smiled when she saw me, though, and especially when she saw the cookies I had made her.
"You love me very much!"  She exclaimed happily.
I laughed.  "Yes, I do!"
She has every type of student imaginable, and is constantly calling them "naughty, naughty children", which makes me laugh but she's kind of right.  She has a special needs boy in her class who is a handful enough on his own.  He was trying to beat up on the other kids.  Luckily he's a skinny little waif of a boy and can't do much damage.

I was teaching my piano students about correct hand position last evening.  Your palm should be curved, not flat.  Your fingers should dance across the keys, not walk.  Lively!
So tonight I printed off lots of piano music.  I tried to make my fingers dance across the keys, taking my own advice, but I couldn't.  They wouldn't dance.  They just tripped and fell and made mistakes.  I couldn't make the music sound like I wanted to.  The flats and sharps didn't cooperate and nothing else did either.  Finally, I gave up.

It's kind of like today.
Little girl in the clinic, crying and screaming and coughing.  She got hit by a bus a few months ago and still has to come into the clinic often to get bandages changed.  Today she was getting her ear canal hole re-opened.  
Pigs in the slaughterhouse on my bike ride; baby chick with one foot, couldn't keep up with his mama.  Dogs with so many diseases and bugs they have no fur.
Conversations with people that didn't go the way I wanted them to; anger and irritation that welled up inside me when it shouldn't have.
Thoughts that I wish I didn't have, problems that I wish could just go away, time that I wish was already spent, fingers that I wish would dance.
I guess all you can really do is go to bed and sleep tight and then try again in the morning.
Tomorrow I think I will have dancing fingers.  

Pin Prick

I just pricked my finger with a needle.  Unfortunately, it wasn't a sterile needle--it was a needle that had just been used to help take a cyst out of a lady.  Instead of getting the cap back on it right, I pricked myself.

The one thing you're not ever supposed to do; prick yourself with a used needle, and I did it.  Accidentally, while trying to help.  I fussed and obsessed and worried and everyone just laughed at me and the doc told me to put some hydrogen peroxide on it and put a finger glove on and let it sit.  So I did.  And now I am still obsessing and fussing, but it is what it is.  The people here don't have AIDS, thank goodness.

But what if they did?
It's times like these that make me remember my mortal self.  I am still in the stage in life where I think I am immortal--I can't fathom dying someday.  It just doesn't work in my head, doesn't make sense, doesn't click.    And I don't think it's really supposed to.  I don't think we're really supposed to understand death, because if we did, then it would mean we were supposed to die.  By not understanding it, by our brains not being able to fathom it, to have to grieve...this to me means our brains were not meant to have to deal with death.  We were not meant to die.  We were never supposed to know that there was such a thing as death.

Last Sabbath, just before Sabbath School was starting,  I went out to the lawn in front of the church to eat my breakfast orange. Pastor Marc was standing out there, his face was turned toward the sun, his hands in his pockets, his eyes closed.
"Enjoying the warmth?"  I asked
"Yes!" He smiled when he saw my orange.  "Can I have your orange peels?"
"Yes, and you can have some of the actual orange, too."  I smiled.
He took the peels and put them to his nose.
"I love to smell them.  They smell so...fresh."  He closed his eyes and buried his nose farther into the peels.
Ah, if only life were as simple as orange peels and the sun on your face!  
I think maybe that's what life is about, and Pastor Marc knows it.  The simple enjoyment of the day--knowing that it won't last, and trying to make the most of it.  It's so hard to do.  I don't know if anyone ever can do it consistently.  But it's worth a shot, I suppose, finding the beauty in everything, or something like that.

Even this late it happens

The coming of love, the coming of light

You wake up, and the candles are lit as if by themselves

Stars gather, dreams pour into your pillows

Sending up warm bouquets of air

Even this late,

The bones of the body shine

And tomorrows dust flares into breath.

--Mark Strand, "The Coming of Light"

Peek-a-Boo

Pastures New

These are my friends, here.  But sometimes I hate them.  Is that normal?  Sometimes I can't stand what they say, what they think, what they do.  But I love them.  Is that normal?
Lately the phrase about greener pastures has been running through my head.  You know, "on to greener pastures", or "she was ready for a greener pasture".  I think that maybe my middle name is "greener pasture".  Sometimes, or actually, more often than sometimes, I am looking for something better, something nice, something easier, something greener.
Sometimes I wish that here, in the Philippines,  I had some greener pastures to explore for friends or people.  I wish there were some more people I could go be with for a few weeks, some new faces, new personalities, new thoughts, new comments.
But like my mom observed when she was here, "there's something to be said about thinking you can't possibly stand another minute with these people and then having to keep living with them anyway."
It's true--for now, I have this same pasture.  And it's well worn down, and I know the corners well and the hiding spots, and I know where the dirt is better and I know where it's hardest to find the grass.  But it's MY pasture, and these are my people, and I hate them, and I love them.

February

So.  It's been forever since I have blogged, and wish it hadn't been so long.  Lots has happened!  The big thing being, of course, the month of January.

The rest of December was okay, not my favorite month of my time here.  Being away from home for the holidays isn't known for being fun, and it's not.  Manila isn't the same as my warm house and bright Christmas tree.  But being with the girls was fun; we travelled around to different touristy spots and did lots of mall-hopping.  (Manila is basically one giant mall.)  We got to visit AIIAS, the seminary/graduate school in the Phils, and meet some of the people who worked there.

Then is was January.  Ryan Wilson, a former SM in the Phils, came to visit us and give us advice about living here.  The visit was helpful and not helpful, everyone's SM year is different and it was hard to compare our years together.  After that we had a week of meetings in Panciun and did kids meetings, health talks, and regular lectures.

The week after that, my mom came to visit for a couple weeks!  We went to Vigan, Laoag, and then Pagudpud.  We lazed around at the beach and went touring to waterfalls and more beaches.  We visited the people around and ended the time by going to Manila, during which I got sick and my mom ended up changing her flight to stay with me.  We had a great time and I was sad to see her go.  

Nowadays...we just had a big medical group from the States come and visit.  They did clinics all over Pagudpud, and we got to help out with them and be doctors.  We road on top of the jeepney today to get to Panciun.  I felt so...alive, in the early morning light, it was a clear, beautiful day...it felt like a spring morning.  The wind in my hair, the sun on my face.  Feels good.

Lots of drama in Pagudpud these days...seems like everyone in the church has got a problem with someone else.  Everyone wants to get in good with the Americans, and it's hard on us and it's especially hard on the church family.  I wish the people here could just get along with each other and realize that it's not so much about what you have....it's about the relationships you form.  I hope that us SMs have been good examples of that.

Every evening the seven of us have prayer together.  We talk about the day and the random prayer requests we might have, and then whoever wants to say a prayer can do so.  It has been a big blessing and has brought our group together, I think.  I love my fellow SMs.  We drive each other crazy, but somehow it all works out.

Anyway, more later.  It's time for me to go to sleep!

Still Young

Lately I feel as if I spend a lot of time waiting here.  Waiting for Zach to come, then waiting for our Christmas trip, then waiting for my mom to visit, then waiting till I go home, waiting for the doctor to arrive, waiting for January to start, waiting for Monday, for Tuesday, for Sabbath, for the next week to begin....

Isn't it funny how that works?  I have wished time and time again that I could just live in the present, enjoying every moment that passes.  My time here is so short, and yet it feels like it will last a thousand more years.  Time is a funny thing, and since I have lived in the Philippines it has felt even more funny.  Ah, the waiting game.  My least favorite game, yet the one that I play the most often.  

Earlier this week we took a day off and went with the Adventist Youth to the Burgos Lighthouse, the Rock Formations, and Kaangrian Falls.  They were all fun, but Kaangrian was absolutely beautiful.  Pool after pool cascade into more pools, creating this beautiful layer of waterfalls.  We clamored up and down the falls, jumping off cliffs and climbing up the jungle vines. Then we swam down the river, climbing down the next falls and letting the cool, blue water rush over us.  Leaves would fall into the river and the sunlight would filter through the tropical trees, and I felt like I was in Colorado mixed with the place that Timon and Pumba live in The Lion King.  

We have spent a lot of time this week with the AY; they helped us out with VBS and spent the night almost every night.  We had a popcorn party and played Sardines around the church, running and tripping over hospital construction supplies.  There are several AYs:  Rhea, (Rizal's daughter and the one we see the most) Krystel and Karan (sisters who are 18 and 20; Karan has an adorable little daughter named Sum-Sum) Carina (the quietest one, she lives across the street), Dave, Zernon, (two jokester guys), and Cliff (a nurse who helps out in the clinic).  They are all our age and quite fun to hang out with.  The other day we were playing with our new kitten (named Sundae;  she got shook by a dog a couple days ago and has been a little special since...) and Krystel smiled at her and goes, "that is a cat."  Katelyn and I burst out laughing at the random, obvious statement.  It's statements like these that make me love hanging out with them.  We have met so many nice, fun people these last few weeks; especially the kids.  We have a new gaggle of girls 11-14 years old who have nicknamed me "graduation" because my birthday falls during graduation time for them (March).

Sometimes when we go visiting, people ask me how old I am.  When I tell them that I am 20 years old, they almost always say, "Ah, still young."  It always makes me smile a little bit.  Sometimes I forget that I am still so young.  I like the sound of it, though.  "Still young."  It reminds me of being at Kaangrian, jumping over rocks and climbing up the vines, I felt like my body could do anything and go anywhere.  I wish that were always the case!  

In other news, I am going to start teaching piano lessons once everyone gets back from Christmas break. I have eleven students signed up and am anxious to see how it will go.  Heather, Emily, and I leave for Manila on the 23rd and will be there until the first of January.  We hope to find some fun stuff to do.  After that, January will hit and we will start the downhill slope towards home.  Our doctor arrives on the 12th of January and we are all very anxious for him to come and to get some medical experience.  

 The rice fields early in the morning

 VBS

 Clockwise from bottom: Rhea, Krystel, Katelyn, Emily, Heather, Me

 Little RJ

 During a funeral service, right before the burial

 Me, Karan, and Katelyn at the rock formations

 Me on top of the rock formation

 Kaangrian Falls

For now, though, I'm still playing that waiting game and living my "young" life.  Here's some pics of what we've been up to!  

Warm Winter Evening

84 degrees tonight.  The warmest December 2 I can remember having.
But it's a nice warmth...even though I miss the Christmas-y feeling that I usually get this time of year from the cold and coziness of a crackling fire and the warm glow of my family's living room...I still like this summer warmth, the clearest of clear sunny days and bright blue sky, and at night sparkling stars.   I am always hot, and usually sweating, but I am warm and have bare feet and I like it.

Today we brought Nieves down from her hill-top home so that she could see the visiting doctor.  Heather and I got a trike and found our way to her barangay.  We clamored up the even roots and steps to her house and found her eating papaya and laughing.  Her pregnant daughter-in-law was in the kitchen; she came out and smiled at us, her hands resting on her hips, her belly huge.  She is due in about a week.  Nieves had her prosthetic leg on already and had been waiting for us.  We helped her with her crutches and one of her young relatives helped her down the slippery rock steps.  Heather and I flitted nervously behind her, ready to catch if she fell.

Later, Nieves told me of her life and the places she had been.  She is only in her late fifties, but looks older than that.  Losing her leg to diabetes has aged her, I think.  She was a nanny for a wealthy Indian family for nearly 30 years and has visited Singapore, Hong Kong, Sri Lanka, New York City, Paris, London, Rome, Switzerland....she talks about the places with such a faraway look in her eyes and a slight smile on her face that I can tell she misses it, I can tell she feels resigned to her fate of not having health anymore.  But she looks peaceful, and smiles a gap-toothed smile at me.  She looks sad and wise, like she has seen pain but has accepted it.

Late in the afternoon we walk down to the beach.  The sun is getting low in the sky, but still very bright. We walk south, squinting at the sun's reflection off the ocean.  We walk to where a river runs into the ocean.  Many men are down by the river, stripped down to their underwear and fishing for the tiny fish.  They lift their green, gossamer nets into the river and swing them back up; the sun shines through them and they look like glittering kites.  A little boy peers at us from his perch on a beached fishing boat.  "I love you too!" He shouts over and over at us.  That's one way of being optimistic...

I can hear the crickets outside my window, and if I look directly out I can seen Orion perfectly, my favorite constellation.  It is a winter constellation, and I have to remind myself that it is Winter, and that it is some kind of Christmas, here, too.  Even in my shorts and t-shirt, it is Christmas.

The Pearl of the Orient

Wow.  Two months ago on this day, I was preparing to embark on my SM adventure.  I had no idea it would be such a roller coaster of new experiences and emotions.  I was talking to a friend on facebook the other day, who is also overseas for the year.  He was saying what a great year he was having, and how it was hard and yet the "highs" were really high.  I think this perfectly describes the emotions I've experience over here.  The downs have been extremely down, and yet the ups have been very high.  It's like everything is magnified or intensified.

We recently got back from one of our "highs"-a great trip to Mt. Palanza and Baguio.  We were invited by the CVSH medical mission team, the ones who came and did medical clinic and circumcisions at our hospital earlier this fall.  After weeks of anticipation, we finally left last wednesday on our 10 hour bus ride to Baguio.  We were all excited to see Baguio, because it is in the mountains and is known for its cooler weather.

Our bus ride was an experience in itself.  The bus companies like to let people on even after all the seats are filled.  The bus was already full when we got on, and I don't think all the SMs had a seat until maybe three hours before we got there.  It was fine, though, and the only tense moment was when I was still in a gas station and the bus started to pull away without me.  I ran towards it yelling "wait for me!" (it is not my ideal wish to be stranded in a strange city in the Philippines...) Thankfully, my panicking was rewarded and they stopped to let me on.

We arrived in Baguio at night.  It is beautiful there; most of the houses are on the hillsides and with all the lights it made for a pretty picture.  We stayed at the SDA mission in town (spicket for a shower) and hung out at the mall in the evening.  (They had a Starbucks, which made our stay that much more enjoyable...:))

The next day, we took another bus farther into the mountains to meet up with CVSH.  Once we met up with them, we crammed into their van with our backpacks and blankets (none of us brought sleeping bags with us from the states) and started up the bumpy dirt road.  Eventually, we switched to an open backed vegetable truck and that took us the rest of the way to the school where we were to do a med clinic.  At the school, we were greeted with squat pots and boiled sweet potatoes (apparently in the mountains sweet potatoes are a staple, and they only have rice when they are celebrating something) The med clinic went fine; I helped the doctor's wife, Charlene, give out medicines to the patients.  It was fun playing pharmacy.  That night fog settled in and we slept on the cold hard floors of the classrooms in the school.

The next morning we took a vegetable truck to the top of the mountain we were on.  The view was absolutely breathtaking, with the sun rising above the fog and the cabbage patches built into the hillsides.  We reached the top and then started the 4 hour hike to Balete, the village where we were to do another clinic.  It was about 7 miles of mountainous terrain, up to the top of another mountain and then down into the valley.  I couldn't believe there was actually a village down there.  The only way of getting there is by a very scary motor bike ride or walking.

When we finally reached the school (we got to cross an awesome and scary hanging bridge over a rushing river) we dropped off our stuff and me, Aaron, Kim, a guide, and McCoy and Victor (a couple of the guys who were part of the med mission group) decided we hadn't had enough hiking and decided we wanted to go to a waterfall that was supposed to be nearby.  It turned out to be forever away, back up the mountain from where we had come and then down into another little valley--all downhill, so we knew we were going to have a fun time coming back up.  Our guide had to bushwack his way through the brush and palms to get us to the waterfall.  Apparently no one goes down there often.  When we got there, though, we were rewarded with one of the most beautiful falls I had seen.  They said I was the first American girl to ever be there, and I believe them--it was like this gorgeous little hidden corner of the earth that no one had seen before.  It made me wonder how many more beautiful sites there are that no one has ever been to.

The next morning (after an interesting shower from buckets) we did a short medical clinic and I helped give out medicines again.  One group started the hike back up to the school we had originally stayed at and it was decided that the rest of us would come on motorcycles later.  After the clinic we decided that we would start hiking and meet the bikes on our way up.  There were three SMs-Kim, Justin, and I, and then a bunch of the filipino group-Rineth, Elaine (who kindly gave me her arm warmers when it got cold), Charlene, Erwin, Lala, and a guide.  We hiked and hiked and hiked.  Finally the bikes came, but there weren't enough, so we just gave them our packs and continued hiking.  It was getting dark out, we weren't even halfway up the mountain, and we'd already been hiking for four hours.  We pressed on, though, each of us pairing up with someone who had a headlamp.  Erwin and I were in front, and as soon as we got to the top of the mountain the fog cleared and everything was so clear and beautiful.  The city lights were in the distance and the stars were the brightest and most vivid I'd ever seen them . On the way down, Erwin told me about the Philippine national anthem and how one of the lines was "The Philippines, the pearl of the Orient..." right then, it seemed very fitting.

Eventually, we got back to the school, spent the night there, and continued onto Baguio the next afternoon.  We spent the next day in Baguio.  Victor, one of the med techs from the trip, offered to show us around the city and had his friend Brian tote us around in the back of a pickup truck all day.  It was SO much fun; and I got more souvenirs than should be legally allowed (4 T-shirts, 2 beanie hats, 5 keychains, 4 bracelets, and a pair of earrings-all for under $15).  We went to the military academy, a Chinese temple, 2 botanical gardens, the weaving factory, a giant lion's head carved into rock, and the huge Baguio market (famous for its strawberries and honey) and topped off the day with dinner at Brian's and the boys eating Balut for the first time.

Balut is a chick fetus that's still inside the egg.  Yum.  I did not partake in this section of the meal.

And that's our trip.  It was the most fun in the Philippines I have had so far, and we are all excited for our next trip with CVSH.

But that was over a week ago, and now we are back to the rhythm of things.  I came back to Pagudpud to find that our internet worked again, but sadly my computer didn't.  I was able to get it fixed and am hopefully going to pick it up tomorrow.

Oh, and remember how I lost that flip-flop the day the wave on the beach knocked me over and got my camera wet?

Well, Aaron happened to be walking on the beach last Sunday wearing the mate to the flip-flop he had also lost in the same wave.     A fisherman who was on the beach noticed his flipflop and said he had the match to it.  Aaron asked if he had a girl's one too, and turns out the man did.  He had found the flipflops stuck in some rocks along the beach and had kept them, thinking he might find the owners someday.  Now tell me, what are the odds of that?  What are the odds of Aaron being at the beach, wearing his mateless flipflop, seeing the same fisherman, and the fisherman saving our flipflops?  I have been the beach here many times; there is an abandoned flipflop about every ten feet.  Why would he pick up ours?

I suppose if God cares for my flipflop, then he cares for everything else, as well.

Typhoon

Here is a depressing entry I wrote while our power was out...ha

October 21, 2010

“I was happy in my harbor till you cut me loose, floating on an ocean and confused, winds are whipping waves up like skyscrapers, and the harder they hit me, the less I seem to bruise.  And when I finally control, I’ll go where I like, I know where I want to be, but maybe for now I’ll stay right here, on a silent sea.”

This week…I can’t begin to describe how ridiculous it’s been.  We got a typhoon warning Sunday evening.  The typhoon was supposed to hit Monday night at be a category 3 (out of 5).  I was excited, and things seemed to be going well.  We had an adorable kitten, good internet service that allowed us to talk to friends and family and stay connected to the world, a good plan for the next week, a fun trip the week after, and an impending trip to Laoag. 

            We went to Laoag on Monday.  The rain was starting to come and the wind had kept me awake for a long time the night before, but I was still in good spirits.  Laoag was fun, as usual.  We got supplies for our fall party that we had planned for Saturday night. 

            When we got back to Pagudpud, the rain and wind had really started to pick up.  We went down to the beach to look at the waves.  I was just amazed at the sheer power of the wind.  It almost knocked me over.  We walked back to our house.  The sun had set and it was cloudy and dark out.  The sky looked ominous.  The boys went to the market to get dinner supplies and the girls walked to the bottom floor of the church.  The next thing I remember is Emily saying, “Ah!  What’s wrong with the cat??”

I ran over.  The kitten was lying at a funny angle between the heavy open door at the bottom of the stairs and the doorframe.  She didn’t look gruesome, but she didn’t look alive and I don’t really want to go into detail. 

“She’s dead!” I said incredulously as I carefully picked her up and cradled her in my hands.   The wind had blown the big heavy door right on the kitty.  She looked like her neck was broken. 

            Emily ran to get the boys from the market and they rushed back.  The kitty was dead, and there was nothing we could do.  We just gathered around the little body in shock and as we did the lights flickered and the power went out and we were stuck in blackness.  I felt so…low and hopeless. 

            The storm raged all night.  There were winds like I have never heard before and like I never want to hear again.  We had drinking water, but our cooking and bathing water were gone.  Our house is strong and made out of solid cement, but that still didn’t keep me from feeling very afraid and very alone.  I just kept thinking, “Why?” over and over.  And I’m still thinking that.  Our internet was fried after the storm and it’s been hard to not be able to consistently talk to my parents and friends.  Today we were walking on the beach and all of the sudden this wave came really swiftly towards us (the waves have been really big because of the typhoon) and knocked me over into the sand and water.  I lost one of my flip-flops, got some cuts and bruises, and got sandy and soaking wet.  The worst part was that I had my camera (that I am in love with) with me, and it got wet.  I am still waiting for it to dry.  I hope it works. 

            At the moment, I just really want to go home.  I don’t understand where God is, and why he seems so incredibly SILENT about everything.  Everything bad that has happened in the last few days is because of the typhoon.  I do not want another one.  I want Internet and mild weather and my kitty back.  Actually, I really just want to go home to Spokane and hang out with my family and then curl up in my safe, warm bed in my safe, normal house.

            I know I sound very negative right now, but I am just down.  Today wasn’t awful—we went to Coconut Hill to pick up coconuts for the party and that was fun.  Then later I got to talk to my parents and Zach and after that we went to Jamie Argaza’s 18^th birthday party.  Uncle Elly, Pastor Mark, Lizette, Suzette (Elly’s daughters), and I made a card for Jamie and it was nice just hanging out with them.  Elly liked my paints and brushes (thanks to my mom and her artistic-ness I have really nice paints and brushes) and wanted to know if I could get some more.  I am hoping that my mom can pick up a bunch for him. 

Jamie’s party was fun; pretty much everyone we knew was there and there was a lot of laughing and talking and eating.  We had chocolate cake and later played truth or dare.  I really love the people here.  I just wish that I could have these people with me in America instead of me here with them in the Philippines. 

  But, that is selfish and in my “down-ness” and “depression” I often forget why I am here.  And right now I honestly can’t remember why I am here.  But I know that there is a purpose for me and that things will get better very soon.  At least that’s what I tell myself, because I will go crazy if I don’t tell myself that.  Sigh.  Time for another night, maybe it will be better in the morning.  I guess I will just keep praying to my silent God, wherever He may be.  

Land of Milk and Honey

The Church at Blue Lagoon last Sabbath

Well.  Another Thursday night.  Only...28 more Thursdays left.  That's not so bad.  

Heather and I went to the clinic to help today.  There were lots of people there, but not much we could really help with.  Just a lot of mothers getting vitamins for their children.  We did get to ride on the ambulance, though.  Not to anywhere exciting; just to put chlorine in a couple of the wells around Pagudpud.  

While we were at the first well, it hit me how absolutely poverty stricken our town is...or actually, all of the Philippines.  Every house is made from cement.  Some of the houses are finished on the inside, but most just look how a tiny unfinished basement might look.  There is dirt and muck and trash all around, everywhere you go.  The people are always clean, I guess, but most just look poor.  There are children everywhere.  When we first got here, Uncle Elly asked me if I had noticed that there were so many children.  

"Yeah, there's a ton!" I said.  

"In the Philippines we have a saying," he laughed. "When the seas get rough, so do the men."

Well, I guess that explains something.    

We almost got to see a childbirth today, but at the last moment (right as she was starting to push!) the parents of the mother (she was only 17) decided that she should have her privacy.  This makes sense, of course, but it would have been nice if they had decided that before we had waited an hour for the birth.  

This afternoon Uncle Elly came to give the girls painting lessons.  Elly is quite the artist and has done several murals in the church and around town.  We painted scenes on plywood (he said he would graduate us to canvas later) and each of us painted mountains, grass, and hills.  When I asked Elly for advice on my mountains, he contemplated my picture it for a moment and then said: "those mountains are not from here." 

"What?" I said.

"I mean they are not Filipino mountains.  They look like something from Alaska."

Well go figure.  I guess you can take the girl out of the country but you can't take the country out of the girl.  Ha.  

Tonight us SMs sat around the dinner table like we always do and talked about whatever.  We are starting to be less of acquaintances and more of siblings...notice that we seem to have skipped the friend stage.  Not that we don't like each other, because we do, of course.  But imagine how you are with your siblings.  You always love them and trust them, but sometimes they drive you absolutely nuts.   

Sometimes the group is so family-ish it's funny.  We even have a little kitten now that we rescued out of a ditch last Sabbath.   We eat dinner together, have a pet cat, argue over the food, finances, chores, jobs, etc, laugh a lot, make sarcastic comments a lot, get excited about the same events, leave our stuffeverywhere, do our laundry together, and on and on.  If this is how family-ish we are after a month and a half...how are we going to be by April?? Good grief.  

We all still miss home.  We talk about food a lot.  If someone said I could have any item in the world right now...I think I would pick a mall pretzel.  I really do.  A nice salty soft pretzel with cream cheese dip from Auntie Anne's in the mall.   Mmmm.  Or maybe a pop tart.  My mom was supposed to send me some of those but I think she forgot.  Or a nice sugary melty slice of pumpkin pie with whipped cream.  

Anyway, food is a common topic of conversation around here.  

It's funny.  Usually people in America, myself included, act so pity-filled when they hear of or see poverty like this.  But these people don't know anywhere else.  This is their life, it's there reality.  They don't really know about the amazing wealth there is elsewhere, so they don't miss it.  They have the same amount of "happiness" we have in America.  They have a normal day to day life like everyone in the States.  They don't pity themselves or see themselves as poor.  They are fine, they are normal.  It's like the poverty is in our eyes only, because we know what they are missing out on.  However, most of them have a view of America like it is a magical land where there will be no more tears.  They can get jobs there.  They can be rich there.  They can make it big.  We talked to the principal of the elementary school on Wednesday when we were volunteering.  She is a character of a lady, and she smiled when the topic of America came up.  

"Ah yes," she said.  "Here, America is called the 'land of milk and honey'. Did you know that?"

Sunny with a Chance of Heat Stroke

Terra Rica on Saud Beach

Me looking for shells

Philippine countryside

Passing out Pamphlets in our matching shirts

A picture that looks like it could be on ADRA. This little boy is from a very poor family.

So I just checked the weather. Here is the weather forecast for the next 5 days in Pagudpud:

Sunny(Humid) Sunny(Humid) Sunny(Humid) Sunny(Humid) Sunny(Humid)

86 86 87 87 88

And Summer here doesn't actually start until March. Oh good.

Last Sabbath we spent the morning handing out pamphlets. My group was me, Kim (guy SM), Odette, and several other church members. We went up a ways in the mountains, past Pancuin. It was very tropical and pretty, we saw monkeys (they were pets...we gave one a pamphlet, and he promptly ripped it in half) and a mountain dam. On the way back down, we stopped for coke and sticky rice. Odette laughed at one of the other church ladies for eating so much sticky rice. "That's why you're so fat!" She exclaimed. Kim and I just looked at each other incredulously. Like, did she really just say that? But here, calling someone fat doesn't hold the same weight (ha) as it does in the Philippines. It is more like an observation than an insult.

Later, we went to build a bonfire on the beach with a bunch of other AY members (adventist youth). Uncle Elly, Uncle Rizal, Rhea, Auntie Noemi, and Pastor Mark also came. It was completely pitch black out, until we got the beach. The stars were absolutely incredible. It was one of those moments that you wish you could just capture and show it to everyone you know. There were more stars than I have ever seen in my life, and the milky way was so clear. All along the horizon, clouds had gathered and a crazy lightening storm was going on. The ocean was dotted with the lights of fishing boats and looked like something off of Pirates of the Caribbean. The sky looked like a giant dome had been opened; I don't know how to describe it...the world just looked extra round and big and vast. For awhile, everyone just sat quietly around the fire and watched and listened and looked.

There are times here where I feel so alive, and times when I feel so apathetic and lethargic

On the way home from the beach, I rode in between Noemi and Rhea on the motorbike, while everyone else rode with Uncle Rizal. This is when I feel alive, when I am riding through a dark, warm Philippine evening, with the wind blowing in the hair. This is when I feel like I am on an adventure, when I feel like I am living in some crazy, amazing life. I wish I could keep that high. Really, I was just a white girl sandwiched between two Filipinos on a motorbike. We probably looked like an Oreo rolling down the street.

Many things happened this week. We went to our first Necrological service (a viewing of a dead person's body before the funeral). It was an experience, and the body looked....well, especially pickled. We went to Laoag and saw Despicable Me in the theater ($2.50!). We all walked out of the theater kind of dazed...it felt so American and normal being in an air-conditioned theater again, it felt like we should just walk back out into our regular lives. We celebrated Justin's birthday at Saud beach, and Odette's birthday at her house, where we were served Fungus Stew and hot pink cake and got to watch an American movie on TV. Heather and I got to listen to a fetus's heartbeat and watch a tooth be pulled today while we were volunteering in the clinic. It was blazing hot today (as always) so us girls went and played in the ocean for awhile. I found a really sweet looking dead crab on the way back with really long red-striped spindly legs. I stopped by Rhea's house to show it to her, and she promptly told me it was poisonous. Oh good. Later, the boys made dinner: mashed potatoes, beans, grapefruit, and vegetables, and now here we are. Thursday night. Another week has almost gone by.

October! October! October!

At Saud beach again at sunset Don't know why this is here twice... Sabbath Lunch!
A sweet ship wreck!
Little Brittany leading me on the beach

Tomorrow is October first, which means I will be here for 7 more months! We fly back May first. It's hard to believe I have been here for almost a month. The first week went by very slow, but now the weeks are starting to go by a little faster. It is almost constantly warm and sunny. Yesterday it actually rained (amazing, considering it's the rainy season!) and we all put on jackets. It felt delicious.

Last Sabbath we went to a new church, out in a little coastal town called Pancuin or something like that. It was about 40 km away, and after one breakdown on our tricycle and a beautiful drive, we got there. Church was held in a karaoke bar. We did church for the kids, and a little girl named Brittany and I got to be friends. She was probably 3, totally adorable, and was fascinated with my camera case. After lunch (beans and rice...a far cry from Sabbaths at home!) we went down to the beach to bless a fishing net. The beach was SO pretty--the sky was this deep blue color, which matched the fishing boats and turned the water a pretty turquoise. Combined with the burgundy color of the fishing nets, it looked beautiful. On the way back to Pagudpud, we stopped to see a wrecked ship that a typhoon had blown in. It was pretty cool.

We are still waiting for this elusive doctor to show up. We tried to find other things to do this week--Pastor Mark spends nearly the whole day with us, which is fine because he is good company and can take us visiting. Yesterday I gave him a brief outline of the US, after he asked if New Jersey was close to Washington state. :) This week we visited the local clinic and an elementary school, and arranged to volunteer at both places next week. Hopefully this will keep us a little busier!

Today we went to a Bible study at Odette's house (a local church lady) She and her sister served us chips, coffee and tea, and Ferrer Rocher chocolates! Never were there happier student missionaries. Her sister is from Singapore, and suggested we should try and visit. We'd already been looking up flights to Hong Kong and other nearby places, and when we found out flights to Singapore were only $130 and the universal studios there was only $13 to get in....well, we've already started planning a February trip :)

This afternoon us three girls went to the beach for a few minutes. The boys were in charge of dinner, so they went back to try and figure out how to cook beans while we watched the sun set. It was so incredibly pretty. There were these clouds that the sun lit up in such a way that they looked like a painting from the Sistine Chapel...I swear I could almost see the faces of angels or something in them...so pretty. Sometimes I will just get these random "oh my goodness! I'm in the Philippines!" moments.

Some of the differences between us SMs have started to flare up. Mostly over food budget issues, yesterday specifically over egg salad, of all things. Apparently mayonnaise is expensive. We're trying to get along...and most of the time we do, but it's like any other "family"...we get on each other's nerves. We are going to know each other really well when it's all said and done over here.

I guess that's about it. We did laundry today; Heather and I like to do it at Noemi and Rizal's house because they have this cool little well that we get water out of to fill the rinsing buckets with and they also have a little open washing machine that does the actual scrubbing for us. When we went back to pick up our clothes later, Noemi had already folded it all. She folds neater than even Zach, which is really saying something! My underwear are folded into these perfect little origami squares.

Tomorrow is Friday. We will clean and cook and sweat and visit again, a typical day for us. Maybe we'll go to the market; we'll go to vespers and I will probably play the piano. We will get ready for Sabbath (our least favorite day here, unfortunately) It will be October, we will get our stipend, and our second month will begin.

Every Slow Day

Today we went to Laoag again. I always jump at the chance to go to Laoag because it means we will have something to do; it puts us into some action and helps get our minds off stuff.

I almost enjoy the ride to Laoag more than the city itself. It just gives me time to think and watch the world go by. Maybe I just like the feeling of being in a car again. I am starting to recognize landmarks that we pass...the restaurant billboard that advertises "unlimited rice!" instead of "unlimited fries!", the goats and cows along the side of the road, and the Filipino version of speedbumps (little fences put up in each lanes that force you to slow down to go around them, like an obstacle course).

Laoag was busting as usual. We saw white people in the mall today, which was exciting. I have never been excited to see another white person before. I also hit my head on things hanging from store ceilings as usual. I tower over everyone here, even the other SMs. And no one will let me forget it. Emily and I each got a cute pair of Sanuk flip-flops, mine are purple because it was the only decent color they had in my apparently gargantuan foot size. I feel like I'm living in a miniature world; everything is made for smaller people here. Even the sandwich I got at KFC today was maybe half the size of one in the US. It was accompanied by about seven fries, and I am not exaggerating. I suppose it's good that they serve smaller meals. Maybe we should adopt that.

I splurged today and bought essential supplies to get me through the next couple weeks: a toblerone bar, a can of pringles, some grapefruit juice, and a little sample box of ritter chocolates. Yum. They will go nicely with my rice.

Tomorrow the doctor is supposed to come for the day. We were supposed to prepare the clinic as best as we could...which wasn't that much. We swept the floors and finished some inventory and tried to sterilize some instruments. (boiling water for 1/2 hour and bleach? Does that sound right? We didn't really know what we were doing...) I hope it goes okay. I am kind of nervous.

It has also been week of prayer this week, which means I get to play the piano for their hymns. Or maybe more like slaughter the piano for their hymns. But they don't seem to mind too much, which is good news. I suppose it's good practice.

I guess I am kind of writing a lot tonight, but it's a good way to keep my mind off other stuff. I have a headache. I miss my friends and my family and Gracie my dog. I miss burritos and macaroni and cheese and sandwiches. I miss Daisy and my cell phone and I miss the grass in front of my house. I miss Walla Walla and American Eagle and even Home Depot for crying out loud. I am tired of people staring at me anytime I go anywhere. I am tired of not being able to go anywhere by myself. I am tired of the sun, I'm tired of the rain, I'm tired of the ugly warty frogs that jump around the compound at night. I am tired of dwarfing everyone around me. I am tired of not being able to understand anything anybody else is saying and I'm tired of waking up in the morning and realizing that I am still here and missing America so much that it just kind of hurts. I wish I had never taken anything for granted! I wish I had enjoyed every trip to wal-mart more, every cold afternoon and every snowy, foggy morning. I wish I had just soaked it all in, because now I don't have any of it and I wish I did. I wish I had enjoyed my winter clothes more and relished nights when I actually needed blankets to stay warm. If anyone reads this, please, just enjoy whatever you are doing. Because imagine what it would be like if you didn't have it, at all. I am lucky because someday, hopefully, I will have all the American stuff again...but that seems like so far away.

I guess it sounds like I am complaining and not appreciating it here, but that isn't true. I am slowly growing to like it, or at least tolerate it. It comes and goes. The people are nice, and the weather is hot. I got the summer I wanted. I have friends here. I have a beach. I guess contentment is really not about things, huh? It's something inside your head, instead, I think. Now I just have to figure out how to get it.

"When you try your best but you don't succeed, when you get what you want, but not what you need...when you feel so tired, but you can't sleep...stuck in reverse. Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones. And I will try to fix you." -Coldplay

Eternal Summer

So, almost time for our second Sabbath in Pagudpud. Apparently I am supposed to play piano for church tomorrow. A lady just mentioned this to me at vespers an hour or so ago and hastily showed me about 1000 hymns I needed to practice. I am not pleased. Most of these hymns are too hard for me, as I have not played the piano consistently for a couple years. So I will probably just be playing the right hand, and they will just have to live with that. However, Rizal just told us that the power is supposed to be off tomorrow from 7 in the morning till five at night...the piano is electric...so unless they turn on the noisy old generator...Acappella! Woohoo. I suppose I will have to get used to playing the piano up front sometime...but I would like to practice a little more first!

It feels really late hear, even though it is just a little after ten. It was another hot day...it looks like it is supposed to be hot all next too. Isn't the rainy season supposed to start by now? I am sitting outside and finally feel perfecttly comfortable...it is probably upper seventies right now, but the humidity always seems less at night which is really nice.

We all kind of feel like we are just twiddling our thumbs until the doctor arrives. The hospital administrator promised that he would be here by the beginning of October, but that is still two weeks away. Today we did more inventory of the clinic--almost all the medicines have expired--and went to the market and the beach. We hiked almost all the way to Saud beach. It was fun, and we played in the water along the way and I worked on my tan. :) Tonight, we made spaghetti and Emily made sauce and Heather made homemade garlic bread. The meal was probably the most delicious thing I have ever had; it tasted soooo good after days and days of rice for lunch and dinner and Milo cereal for breakfast.

Tomorrow we have church. Am headed to bed!

Life is becoming more real and less surreal finally. It is kind of fun having just the SMs here now that all the adult missionaries have left...sometimes we aren't quite sure what to do with ourselves. This week we have done a decent amount of visitations; Elly-one of the church members and construction workers here-takes us to houses translates and helps us visit with the people. The poverty is amazing...everyone lives in one or two room little cement houses. This helps keep it cooler and helps keep stuff from rotting in the humidity, but it is also dark and dank inside these little houses. Today Elly took us to one of his classmates houses. This classmate had a stroke about six years ago and is now no longer able to walk. We met his wife and hi...I think she has a hard time taking care of him. He really wants us to somehow find him a wheel chair. We would love to, but we are not sure how to go about getting him one here...we might have to see if someone could bring us one from the states. Tomorrow we get to learn how to wash our clothes in buckets...yay. And then we have a meeting with the guy who is supposed to be getting us a doctor. Here is a picture of the little girl who got hit by the bus. We went with Elly and Pastor Mark to visit with the mayor about getting her to Manila on an ambulance and getting the money paid back to Nathan, her father. So far it looks like this will all work out, thankfully. The picture is a little gruesome...but it shows what her family (her mother and father are with her in the picture) are going through.