Square 1

I am so tired and really need some sleep, but I feel like I have all these wayward thoughts inside me that need to be put into words, and rest won't come till I do.

The Philippines were so....simple.  People don't worry about the stuff we worry about.  People take life in stride, they can do nothing all day and be perfectly content.

Sometimes, when I was feeling frustrated or sad or just needed to get away I would go to this rice field about a 10 minute bike ride from our place.  As soon as I would cross the brook and turn the corner into the paddies, I would get this feeling of calm and serenity.  It was always so pleasantly quiet there...I mean, there were still the normal noises-birds chirping, the slicing of the sickle through the stalks-but they were good noises, peaceful noises, natural noises.

The thing about this rice field is that it takes you by surprise.  There are hundreds of rice fields around, but from this one you can see the mountains and the ocean, and there is a little river running through it to water the rice.  There are these beautiful purple water lilies and lots of placid caribou nearby; they always looked at me curiously when I push my bike through their mudflat.

I would ride my bike as far as the little bridge that crossed over the river.  There I would hop off and stick my feet in the water and just sit and think and pray and whatever.  The sun always shone and it was SO hot but so nice and so...serene like you wouldn't believe.

Ah, I miss it so much.
One time I asked Zernan if he wanted to get up early with me the next morning and go see the sunrise from my field.  He gamely agreed, since he doesn't sleep much anyway.  So in the gray of the dawn the next morning we traipsed over there and sat by the brook.  The sun came up and we talked about life and all the things we were gonna do and wanted to do but in that moment those things didn't really matter, just the sun mattered and the field mattered and our cool feet mattered.

We have all these dreams, all these things we're gonna do in our lives.  All these plans we think are gonna happen, all these great romances and loves we think we're gonna have.
The fairy-tale thing really doesn't work out much, does it?  It's funny how we're hard-wired to want perfection.  Or actually, maybe it's not funny at all.

When I was an SM (wow, is it already over?) I wanted to be GOOD.  I tried so hard to be good.  And I felt like, somehow, I achieved some sort of goodness while I was there.  Some sort of kindness and and courage and confidence and lovingness.  I had hoped it would stick around when I got back home, but it didn't really...I mean, maybe it's still there but it's gotten covered up by my resentments and worries.  Guess I'm a work in progress.

But, for now, I guess I will try to be like my dog and be happy with the life I've been given.  Today Gracie was ecstatic even though all I'd given her was a marshmallow.

These days I mostly just wish I were traveling, I wish I were going on adventure after adventure all over the world.  But that's just me trying to run away from my insecurities and false hopes and disappointments and who knows what else, and I already did that.  It's time to bite the bullet and finish my game, it's time to start being the person who I was there.  A leader, a friend, a carefree girl.

Cliff and I promoting love

My Rice Field

Maybe it's time for a new start, out with the old, square one.  People always say "we're back to square one" like it's a bad thing, but who says it has to be that way?